Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Love & Relationships (1) - The Game Plan

As the title suggests, this is really my take on how to try and tackle the issue of love and relationships. This entry's more on the psychological "preparations" (lack of a better word) one could make before entering the war zone. I'm thinking i'll write a little on what the girl's psychology is in the next one (what they expect or look for in a guy... understanding female behaviourisms..their logic..etc) and then slowly move on to more ""complex"" issues ;) hahaha (comments / requests most welcome ;))

Well, here it goes :

Evaluate yourself, your lifestyle, your personality, your friends and family, your habits and your peeves. Quite simply, the ideal partner for you, has to be someone that complements your lifestyle. It's really the small things that matter, regardless of how everyone may argue about the big picture.

Yourself. Are you tall, dark and handsome? Or average height, average color and have a look that is more of an "acquired taste". Let's face it, most of us aren't aesthetically perfect, we have our flaws. The belly (thoppai), the balding (vazhukkai), one or more crooked teeth, pimples, body hair, body odour, etc etc. Yet the expectation is that we want someone who's more close to perfection than us. So first we need to shift that scale back to reality. If we look like a monkey, the chances are that we'd end up mating with one. If you look like a peacock, your playing field has more options. If you look into a mirror and feel like Hrithik Roshan, just ask your buddy for his honest opinion. If he says "Dude, you're rippling man! What a question!", then yes, you have been honest with yourself. If he's crying on the floor from uncontrollable laughter, you may currently be like Senthil and you may be attracting the likes of Kovai Sarala. All in all, its important to understand the kind of "market" that is available to you. Not to say that a hot girl or guy cant be interested in you. It's a possibility. But in most situations, if you're not the basketball captain that the whole school idolises, you can be sure that someone who had not previosly thought of as a viable option, is most possibly considering you (or already considered you, or may consider you) as theirs. So keep your options open. The last thing you need is a narrow perspective to cause someone who would be perfect for you to slip by from exhaustion of waiting. (or watching you flirt with every other girl - whichever is done more extensively).

Once you've made peace with your looks, its time to assess your lifestyle and your personality. What kind of a person are you? Quiet or the life of the party? Do you get angry easily for small things? Or do you take life one day at a time? What're the important things that make you, you? Your sense of humour? Your ability to empathize with those around you? Are you a natural leader or a better follower? Do you have alot of friends? How often do you go out? Are you a bookwork or an internet junky? A couch potato or a sports freak? Just question yourself about all the choices you've made for yourself over the course of your life and evaluate your own personality. Opposites dont always have to attract and 2 very similar personalities dont always have to synchronise. This is a tricky issue, so be sure you understand your own limitations.

Your friends and family - how much of a constant are they in your life? For some, friends are first, and then family. For others, the priorities are reversed. You need to be able to find out what the balance is like in your life and which of the two you spend the most amount of time with, or how much time you spend. If you're constantly with your family (mummy's boy / daddy's girl), and you decide to have a relationship, (a) will they accept your partner (assuming you decide to tell them) or will it complicate things? Can you deal with keeping it a secret and never telling them? (b) if you spend less time with them cause you're busy with your partner, is that going to become a problem? Do you know how to make time for both of them or will you end up leaving either side feeling ignored and unhappy? Funny enough, time-management isnt a skill just for college !
When it comes to friends, do any of them have relationships or have they been in relationships? The success of yours depends significantly on the ability of your group to accept the new introduction in your life. If they hate your partner, or if you are unable to balance the 2 sides, you'll be at risk of losing either one.

Your habits and peeves. Do you brush your teeth first or drink coffee in bed? Are you a morning person or an afternoon person? Do you crumple the newspaper after reading it or will people not be able to tell if its even been touched when you finish? Neat freak or messy? What things do you hate? Does it annoy you when people are late for appointments? Can you handle sacarsm or swearing? What are the little things that tick you off and things you do that's unique to you? The last thing you need is someone who's perfect only when he/she sits in one place and doesnt move. You'd be suprised at how many relationships go sour just because of minor irrtations.

So now that you've completed a comprehensive survey of yourself, it will be easy for you to understand the configuration of your girl-friend-to-be/boy-friend-to-be (for laziness sake i'm just going to refer to the term gf/bf). Contrary to what people think, acquisition of love and relationships can be thought of as a very logical, mechanical process. (the acquisition, not the actual love and relationships itself). Let's say you want to buy a computer, you would logically draw up a list of requirements the system should have so that it suits your needs and how you would be able to utilize the investment to your best ability. Similarly, when routing for a girl, you first want to draw up a check-list in your head for things that you need to look out for. This check-list will tell you absolute requirements (eg. must be muslim, must be mallu, etc) and flexible requirements (eg. blue eyes, height, should be vegetarian, etc). Flexible requirements is just another word for "Willing to Compromise". Now that you've evaluated YOURSELF, you would be able to judge what kind of girl/guy would truly, suit you. You would also be able to know to what extent you are willing to give in to certain factors and under what circumstances you would do so. You would also know, when someone else proposes to you, if that proposal is worth accepting or not, if it has any potential. (Eg. I'm vegetarian. If i can find a tamil guy with a sweet personality, but if he's a non-vegetarian, i am still willing to give the relationship a shot. Should all else be great, I will not let food preference stand in my way.)

For those of you who know me, you've probably heard me say this dialogue a few times - "Choose a partner, who doesn't care about how you look, but loves you with his/her eyes closed". Should something terrible happen to you, you lose an arm or a leg, your face gets burnt, you lose your voice, WHATEVER (touch wood), under any circumstance where you are aesthetically less-appealing than before, you would want someone who loves you just the same or more, to be by your side, only stronger. Many of us, maybe because of age, immaturity, hormones, or simply the desire created from the media, want angels and hunks as life partners. The argument is "andha moonjiya dhaan naan dhinamum paakanum" (i have to look at that face everyday). But there is a little known fact, psychological, that even someone who may not appeal to you immediately by looks, if they win you over with their character and personality, they will start to look more handsome/beautiful over time. I dont quite know how it happens, but it does. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and if we choose that what or who we look at gives us happiness and peace, the beauty will immediately become apparent. It just seems like the whole world is chasing materialistic desires, starting from shoes to the people they love and marry. But the concept is just wrong. Commercialisation is the only thing driving people to buy-up. Everything from make-up to cars to houses to plastic surgery to fashion, they're just accessessories to lead our lives. When you decide to give them more attention than deserving, you will simply lose the underlying value of your existence. Why celebrate material goods when you can celebrate people and love? We never question how our parents look - anyone would say that the most beautiful woman they know in their lives are their mothers and the most idolized are their fathers.Why? Because that's the kind of no-strings-attached loving relationship they've had with you. So shouldn't yours be the same?
  • Find someone who values your potential and ability, not what you already have now.
  • Find someone who criticises to encourage, who only wants to see you go higher than you already are. Not someone who can only say praise of what you have done.
  • Find someone who wants to take care of you, because your happiness matters, because you are their happiness.
  • Find someone who already shares at least 1 interest or hobby with you. For everything else, make sure he/she has the desire to try at least once.
  • Find someone whom your family will love and who will love your family. Friends come and go, family is always the constant.
  • On a separate note, find someone who will make your friendships stronger, not tear them down or tear you away from them.
  • Find someone who makes you smile and values your tears. Never cry for someone, or because of someone, who only finds joy/satisfaction in your misery.
  • Find someone who complements your weaknesses. Relationships are teamwork (alot of work actually).
  • Find someone who by-passes your ego, not crush it or tries to overpower it.
  • Find someone you enjoy conversing with. The ability will become an appreciating asset as you grow older together.

Find someone who makes you want to reciprocate all of the above, to them.

One word of caution. When you meet a girl or a guy, whom you're trying to woo, sometimes people i know try to mould themselves into what they think the other person would like. It's really just a form of acting. Please trust me when i say, YOU WILL GET TIRED. And when you do, the person on the other side will just hate you for the real you. So why go through the hassle? Be yourself, be true to your personality. It will make finding the actual compatible person THAT much easier, and you know that they love you for those funny flaws. Half the time when the acting wears off and you get tired of pretending to like going shopping with her or pretending to enjoy watching cricket matches, it will become the beginning of the end. So start fresh on a guilt-free conscience. Life will become much easier.

Hot girls and hunks are fantastic to look and oogle at, but whether they'll add value to your life is a completely different ball game. It's really up to you to decide if what you want is a trophy-partner that you can show off to everyone because of their coolness-factor or if what you want is someone who will shower you with affection and concern just because they think you're special. All i can say is, the first kind are extremely easy to come by these days (and you lose them pretty easily too), but if you happen to find someone who fits into the 2nd category, the greatest mistake you could ever make is letting them go.

We'll all grow old and ugly, but you cant quite grow a personality or a heart that loves unconditionally. It's typically an innate trait. Choose wisely :)


  1. @kiran I have only one word to say "Oh My God". I think u can write a book on this though there are already several books, I think urs will be one of the strong contenders.

  2. As a guy- I am totally blown away... And I reckon my feeble brain may not be able to process or digest what has been written- I never knew that the process of attraction is so scientific in method!

    But really, I must say- terrific post and well written- I enjoyed reading this and it's cool especially when we read the "other side"'s perspective. :D

    Now I must make sure I fold my newspapers properly and swear less!! :D

  3. Thanks for the reference manual too :P

  4. It's really up to you to decide if what you want is a trophy-partner that you can show off to everyone because of their coolness-factor or if what you want is someone who will shower you with affection and concern just because they think you're special.

    This is my favorite part of the whole essay u've drafted here.

  5. in short you can say, "find someone who is willing to understand what and why you do something!"

  6. Hello :) Good to know you guys found this interesting! As per Velan's request, i'll shorten my articles from now on!

    Actually, this isnt so much for you to find someone who's willing to understand what and why you do something. Its for YOU to understand what and why you like some things and how important they are as a part of your lives. Once you establish that, it becomes obvious to what extent your partner should mirror you. Its ok if you dont fold your newspapers or if you swear too much, you just need to be sure that the other person enjoys the mess and swears just as much as you! ;)

  7. This article is just Step 1. To find the perfect partner, you must first understand yourself, your intricacies and your flaws. Only then will you be able to set foot hunting. You'd never buy a computer without understanding your needs as the user first. Similarly, specify your own needs first. :)
    (And remember that when you're finished writing your requirements manual, the person you're targeting probably has a manual just as thick!)

  8. @kiran hello, I am waiting for the part two.

  9. @ kiran
    Nice time pass actually, reading this article!! first of all, i think u shud be a person who is in love or waiting to be loved. The way the things have been poured looks like "self-estimation is the honest and best policy". How many people will be honest on this?? the number looks scary, the reason is people always over estimate themselves so that they don't forget their own!! I am not blaming people for this, v as humans really don't know whether v r overestimating or sometimes underestimating, So our confidence receives a jolt. According to me see a girl, flirt and given the situation how she behaves suits u or not. If it is going too awkward, then that shud be ur last meeting, otherwise flirt for somemore time. These tips i don't think, can and must be followed cautiously. Then it really takes ages to find a girl and in this fast moving world u live life to the moment. simple thing i would say is "dare to dream,dream to live"!!